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A HANDWRITTEN WILL

A HANDWRITTEN WILL

I let the dust settle on the pen for years. I let the ink dry into a crust, convinced that silence is a sign of peace. I tell myself that if I’m not writing, I must finally be “balanced.” I’ve bought into the lie that habits are supposed to be these steady, rhythmic heartbeats—a morning coffee, a midday walk, a nightly prayer. A pattern.
But my pattern is a jagged line.
I am the man who only remembers God when the floorboards start to rot. I am the one who only reaches for the pen when a major disaster tears the roof off my life. Why is it that when the sun is out, I am functionally illiterate? Why does the divine only feel relevant when I’m screaming into the void?
I wait for the wreckage. I wait for the blood to run hot and the world to go cold. Only then do I sit down. I write until the souls get mellow—until the sharp edges of the trauma are sanded down into something soft and bearable. I bleed onto the page until the wound is just a scar, and then, with a terrifying arrogance, I put the pen back down. I go back to “normal.” I go back to being “balanced.”
I’ve failed at the very habits I thought would save me. I’ve turned my creativity into an emergency room and my faith into a fire extinguisher.
But I look around and see the ink on your hands, too. I see the way you only look up when you’re forced to your knees. He fails, I fail, and you fail—and suddenly, we aren’t solo acts of negligence. We are a community of the broken, a collective of people who only find our voices when we’ve lost our way. We are the ones who need the storm to remember we have a soul.

 

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Oil on Canvas

ORIGINAL: 1 OF 1

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